The Ugly Truth

As you could probably tell from my last post, God has really been teaching me a lot of things about myself lately. One of the things that He has shown me recently is that I spend a lot of time on my appearance. Not on my physical appearance, but on how people percieve me as a wife, mother, church member, friend, etc.

Today I sat in on an adult Sunday School class while Lance taught our kids because I had been wanting to participate in Beth Moore's new Esther study, and they were watching the video. The lesson really spoke to my heart. She talked about women being secretly competitive and comparing themselves to one another and how instead of spending so much energy on worrying how we measure up, we should love and support each other like sisters.

I felt convicted because I often hide some of my true struggles and shortcomings from even my dearest friends for fear of looking like I don't have it all together. In doing so, I am hurting myself because I am losing the opportunity to be ministered to, and I could hurt others because I am adding to the lie that in order to be a good mom, a good wife or a good Christian, we have to always have it all under control and figured out.

Well sisters, here's the ugly truth...I do not have it all figured out!

Sometimes I get so stressed during the day when I am trying to work on a grant, watch Mackenzie, and pick up around the house that I close myself in the closet for a few minutes because my heart gets pounding so fast and my head spins so much that I wonder if I am having a panic attack.

It has just been in the last three months that I have gotten back into a regular quiet time with God since having Mackenzie. For the three and a half years before that I fit one in when I felt it was possible, which was not very often.

Despite saying we would never do this, Lance and I have argued in front of Mackenzie more than once.

I have let friends share their struggles with me and I have gone through the same thing, but I did not tell them.

I have pretended to be awake when being woken from a nap by a friend's phone call for fear of looking lazy or unproductive.

I have told friends I am praying for them when I was not.

And finally, I have pretended to be sleeping to keep from having to get up with Mackenzie or participate in other evening activities (you can use your imagination here ladies).

So there it is girls. I know that is an ugly truth, but I have come to realize that it is the truth that God can use. He can't use a pretty picture that I work so hard to paint, and He certainly can't use a liar.

I am not perfect or even near perfect. But I am a work in progress. And God has brought me to the place where I realize that I would rather have some sisters who know the real me and love me anyway than have to play the game of fake superwoman. I am not a superwoman, but God is a Super God.

Send the Rain

Although this summer has been a busy and fun time for my family, I have been feeling lately that my day is filled with a lot of meaningless activities. Don't get me wrong - raising a child is one of the most important jobs I think God can give you, but I also cloud my day with obsessing over a clean house or a well-prepared meal. I stay busy alright, but am I just busy or am I fast at work doing what God has called me to do.

God has really been talking to my heart lately about surrendering my desires to Him and allowing Him to mold and transform my life into His plan, not mine. For eleven years, Lance went to Lamar and devoted himself to two degrees, which I am so proud of him for earning. We always thought that May 2009 would be some kind of finish line, like the work would be over and our life could start. Now it has been three months since he graduated, and God still has not sent a new job his way. We are so blessed that he has a secure job and that I can work on the side so that our family's needs are met, but we always thought we had our lives planned out. A would happen then B would happen, etc.

Instead, God is using this "in-between" time to teach us some very important lessons. On the way to Dallas a few weeks ago, we watched "Facing the Giants." The premise of the movie is being willing to face the giants in your life because you know that you are not fighting alone. At one point in the movie when the main character is feeling defeated, he cries out to God to "send the rain." Then he prepares for the rain because he believes it is coming.

After the movie, Lance pointed that last part out to me. He did not just ask for rain. He prepared the "fields" in his life and acted like rain was coming. I think this is where I fall short sometimes. I want God to send the rain or show me what He wants me to do. But do I really believe the rain is coming? He won't send it if I am not ready for it.

Right now in my life, I have realized that my family is just where God wants us - preparing for the rain. I am not sure what the rain will bring. It may relate to a job for Lance, but I have also come to realize that it may not have anything to do with that at all. I think for the first time in my life I am truly open to WHATEVER God wants me to do. I'm getting ready for him to send the rain!

Eight Years

I don't have much time, but I could not let the day pass without posting a quick note about the special day.  Today Lance & I have been married for 8 years.  I feel so blessed to have such a great husband.  We have a really good relationship, and I thank God every day for him.  We are about to go on a date to Cheddar's, and I am really looking forward to the spinach dip.

  

On another note, Mack and I had a GREAT time at the beach.  I will post some pictures from our trip soon.  We swam, played in the sand, and even took a dolphin cruise where we saw over 20 dolphins.  She loved it, and it was nice to just relax with family.

Lance, however, was not relaxing.  We left him behind because he was coordinating Mid-county Mission Week for our church.  I am so proud of him.  Everyone is telling me about how amazing he was organizing all the workers and supplies to help people in need.  He deserves a vacation too!  I guess we will just have to take another one :)

Let Me Entertain You!

Our summer has been busy, but fun! I guess that's why I have not had time to post in a while. We have been too busy with swimming lessons, recital and spending time with friends. And our fun continues - tomorrow morning I am leaving for cheerleader camp with Jenna. I go every year, and it is fun to share that with her. This year will be her last year because she will be a senior next year. That is really hard to believe. Sometimes I forget she is not the four year old who used to beg to come on dates with Lance & me. She is a beautiful young lady now, and I am very proud of her.

I get back from camp on Friday evening then on Sunday, Mackenzie and I are leaving with my parents for a beach trip to Gulf Shores, AL. My sister and Anna are going too. I think we are going to have a lot of fun, and Mackenzie is very excited about getting to see the ocean. Lance is planning to stay behind to help organize Mid-County Mission Week with our church.

Before I leave for my ventures, I had to take time to post a few pictures from Mackenzie's first recital. She was in baby ballet, and she also participated in the tumbling exhibition. We were so proud of her. She had a blast and said she felt like Cinderella. She looked and danced like a little princess too. (But of course I am not biased or anything.) Nevertheless here are a few snapshots from her moment in the spotlight :) I am going to savor it because when I look at Jenna, I am reminded how quickly the time passes. Happy Summer to you all!

My White Picket Fence

I would like to start out by letting the whole world know that LANCE GRADUATED! I am so excited about this partly because it has been a hard road for him to work and study and for me to manage everything around here, but also I am just so proud of him for persisting. I don't think he likes me to make a big deal about it because he somehow feels embarrassed that he was in school for a long time. I feel the opposite. I think it is such a show of his character and his willingness to follow God's will wherever He leads, and however challenging it might be.

Which basically leads me to the next part of this post. I guess one reason that I admire this trait in Lance is because I see the lack of it in myself. God is actually using Lance and another person in my life to show me that my commitment level to Him is not 100%.

I know that no one's life is perfect, and I have had many struggles too. But I also know that God has abundantly blessed my life. I have a wonderful husband, and I am not just saying that in a non-chalant way. We are in the unique situation because we were best friends in high school and fell in love shortly after that. Both of us don't have a burdened past, and we have only ever been in love with each other. God has also been so faithful to sustain us financially. He has given us more than we need in life, and lately even when money is tight, there was always enough. And then of course, we have Mackenzie and even though we did not expect her, she has blessed and richened our lives in countless ways. God even provided a way for me to stay home with her. It seems like a perfect life. And in some ways that is where my struggle comes in...in a lot of ways it is a perfect life. The problem? I think I may care more about it than my relationship with God.

Is living life inside my white picket fence more important to me than total surrender to God? If God asked me to lay down my white picket fence life on Abraham's alter, would I be willing? I don't think so.

I know that God could choose to allow life's storms to tear down that fence at any time, and if it happened what would my devotion level be to Him? Would I stand upon the Rock or would I crumble with the fence?

Someone in my life recently has had their ideas and dreams dissappointed, and I see how they are trusing God to be their Protector. Sometimes I think I put more trust in my white picket fence life than in God.

I want to be willing to be used by God in whatever way He wants to use me. I don't want to be contained by my white picket fence any longer. I want to love like He loves; I want to move where He goes; and I want to sacrifice as He deserves. I want to tear down that fence!

Hoedown Throwdown Momma!

Easter was really good for my family this year. We were excited to have Laurie and Micah here to enjoy it with us, along with all of my other family. I am so blessed that my in-laws and my parents share holidays together. They were friends before Lance and I were ever married so we have been spending holidays with the ENTIRE family since the beginning. What a blessing!

And of course, it is a blessing for Mackenzie too. She absolutely loves having her whole family together. We had Easter dinner at our house, and everyone came bearing Easter gifts for Mackenzie. At first I worried about this because I wanted to make sure that she knew that holidays like Easter and Christmas are first and foremost about Jesus Christ and not about presents, but I think that she understands the true meanings now.

On Saturday morning we made Resurrection Rolls with her. Very cool! If you have not heard of them, you take a large marshmallow and explain that it is like Jesus, white, pure, sinless. You dip the marshmallow in melted butter and cinnamon suger like Joseph of Arimathea and Jesus' followers annointed his body after the cross. Then you wrap the marshmallow in a crescent roll, sealing it tightly, to represent the linen cloths. You cook the rolls for 10 to 12 minutes in the oven, and you can explain that the oven is like the tomb. And when the rolls are done, the marshmallow is no longer there, instead you have a sweet puffed up roll. Mackenzie had a lot of fun with it and seemed to understand the symbolism.

For Easter, Jenna got her a fish in a fish bowl and the new Hannah Montana CD. This of course overshadowed anything that Lance and I put in her Easter basket. The fish is named Schnoney (don't know where she came up with that?), and I am pretty sure it is going to have a short life span, as she is obsessed with feeding it, and I have found her on more than one occassion with her hands in the fish bowl. At least goldfish are easy to replace, right :)

As far as the Hannah Montana CD, we have listened to the Hoedown Throwdown song about 5 million times since Sunday, and Mackenzie wants me to dance with her each and every time. I got tired of bouncing around so I went to the Hannah Montana tutorial on youtube and actually learned the dance. Mackenzie and Jenna thought that was totally cool so I earned some good mom brownie points for that one. The only problem is that Mackenzie wants me to show everyone the cool Hannah Montana dance, which can create some embarrassing moments. Of course I refuse, but nevertheless I am glad she is proud of me.

The Last Month

Well, things have finally slowed down for the Howell bunch. Praise the Lord! We had a very eventful month last month. NuNu passed away, Mackenzie spent a week in the hospital, we had an estate sale for NuNu's stuff, Laurie and Micah moved back to town, and the list goes on.

I am grateful that things are relatively calm now, and we are enjoying some spring cleaning and some family time. Of course, Lance is still busy with school, but that will be over soon too, yea!!! He is building a wind turbine for his Senior Engineering Project. It is actually a windmill that is hooked up to a generator and the wind produces electricity. Pretty amazing! He is so smart, and I admire his brains and his determination. I can't wait to congratulate my graduate next month :)

One of the coolest things that I have gotten to do recently was bring Kiley and Kozmo to visit Mackenzie's Mother's Day Out class. I'm sure you are wondering who Kiley and Kozmo are. They are Jenna's baby goats. Yes Jenna has goats in her backyard. We call her Ellie Mae for a reason. Above are a few pictures of Jenna and Mackenzie showing off the baby goats to the three year olds at Holy Cross MDO.

The kids and her teacher loved the goats. And it was a lot of fun to share them. Mackenzie told Jenna that after that day she was the coolest girl in school :)

In conclusion, I am looking forward to this summer and some fun camps and vacations, and I am so thankful for everything the Lord has brought us through in the last several weeks. He is always faithful and always good. Happy Ressurrection Week!