As you could probably tell from my last post, God has really been teaching me a lot of things about myself lately. One of the things that He has shown me recently is that I spend a lot of time on my appearance. Not on my physical appearance, but on how people percieve me as a wife, mother, church member, friend, etc.
Today I sat in on an adult Sunday School class while Lance taught our kids because I had been wanting to participate in Beth Moore's new Esther study, and they were watching the video. The lesson really spoke to my heart. She talked about women being secretly competitive and comparing themselves to one another and how instead of spending so much energy on worrying how we measure up, we should love and support each other like sisters.
I felt convicted because I often hide some of my true struggles and shortcomings from even my dearest friends for fear of looking like I don't have it all together. In doing so, I am hurting myself because I am losing the opportunity to be ministered to, and I could hurt others because I am adding to the lie that in order to be a good mom, a good wife or a good Christian, we have to always have it all under control and figured out.
Well sisters, here's the ugly truth...I do not have it all figured out!
Sometimes I get so stressed during the day when I am trying to work on a grant, watch Mackenzie, and pick up around the house that I close myself in the closet for a few minutes because my heart gets pounding so fast and my head spins so much that I wonder if I am having a panic attack.
It has just been in the last three months that I have gotten back into a regular quiet time with God since having Mackenzie. For the three and a half years before that I fit one in when I felt it was possible, which was not very often.
Despite saying we would never do this, Lance and I have argued in front of Mackenzie more than once.
I have let friends share their struggles with me and I have gone through the same thing, but I did not tell them.
I have pretended to be awake when being woken from a nap by a friend's phone call for fear of looking lazy or unproductive.
I have told friends I am praying for them when I was not.
And finally, I have pretended to be sleeping to keep from having to get up with Mackenzie or participate in other evening activities (you can use your imagination here ladies).
So there it is girls. I know that is an ugly truth, but I have come to realize that it is the truth that God can use. He can't use a pretty picture that I work so hard to paint, and He certainly can't use a liar.
I am not perfect or even near perfect. But I am a work in progress. And God has brought me to the place where I realize that I would rather have some sisters who know the real me and love me anyway than have to play the game of fake superwoman. I am not a superwoman, but God is a Super God.
3 comments:
Oh, Alison, I could have totally written this post! I want to be superwoman too. No, I don't really want to be, I just want everyone to THINK I am. It's a huge struggle to admit that, however, I think just putting it "out there" is a big first step. Beth stepped all over my toes this week too ... she always does. I hope you'll stay with us. :)
Well, I will have to admit that it does LOOK like you usually have it all together. If I can think of anyone that seems to have all the answers it would be you. You handle things beautifully and with such grace and ease that it doesn't seem that you would be the one to struggle. I guess that just goes to show that the pictures we paint can usually fool our friends, but we definitely cannot fool God. He sees the real me, hiding here, broken, crying out for help.
Even though you have admitted your struggles you are NOT alone. I have not done a good job as a friend in checking in on you as I should and encouraging you as you need. It is so important that we don't hide from each other and we lay bare all the stuff that we struggle with so we don't close ourselves into a "closet" somewhere where no one can get us. I want to be that person that can be so open with others that I'm literally transparent, but that's really hard. I am here for you and love you and pray for you. I hope you can learn to trust and grow and show your true self...somehow...although it does take time.
You are so not alone on this one. I'm real good at smiling and pretending that things are going well. When, in all actuality, I feel like I am a failure and that my life is a complete mess. I can smile, laugh and crack jokes, when I am honestly torn to pieces inside. I am blessed in that I have my best friend to confide in. And when I say I can tell her ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING. She knows me to the depths of my soul, and never judges me. God did not give me a biological sister, but he gave me her, the sister of my heart.
I have learned through the years that things may not always be as they seem. Alison, I think we can all learn something from Beth's Bible study, and from your post.
Love ya!
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